In fear of fun I live
For Borrelia will pounce
When I’ve exhausted my energy
Every last ounce.
Dizzy and light-headed
Weak in the knees
Numb and scared
Unable to breathe.

Somehow “everyday” life
I can for the most part manage
Exercise, commuting, cleaning
A full-time job, cooking and practices.
Homework and laundry
Groceries and games
More, more, more
And more of the same.

BUT throw in anything on top
Anything at all
The balance is tipped
Damn it all.
Like packing for vacation
Let alone the trip
For the added endurance it takes
I am not well equipped.

Remember DisneyWorld?
And the stroke-like attack?
Borrelia at her finest
Though I fought back.
I’m in fear of fun now
For what it brings
Fatigue, overstimulation
And a body on the brink.

Business trips, business trips
Long hours and days
Jet lag and marathon meetings
Make for Lyme haze.
Drinks and dinner with colleagues
That’s mostly okay
But night caps and parties
That much fun? No, no way.

I fear the fun
For it means more of me
More weakness, more fatigue
And more panicking.
A prisoner in my body
A prisoner in my fear
Please Dear God
Don’t let me fall, not now, not here.

But it happened again
On my California trip,
As in the Tower of Terror
The darkness hit.
And the floor it seemed
To come out from under me
Until I fell to it
On my hands and my knees.

So much for dinner and drinks
Laughs and hollers
A Lyme body is not designed
For after hours.
And please don’t judge
When after a week of work
I cannot find it in me
To get together with the girls.

Luck I will need
All weekend no doubt
Hopefully the kids’ hockey tourney
Will not take me down.
A weekend away
A lot to endure
Fun, friends and family
I will need strength for sure.

And to Boston it is
The minute we get back
Another work trip that week
To conquer and tackle.
Possibly more excuses
As to why I can’t join in festivities
I fear fun, I fear fun
The explanation is easy.

Us Lymies, we love life and friends
Just like the next person
But please understand
Our body is our prison.
Don’t make us feel bad
Don’t make us feel guilt
Every day is a challenge
Because our bodies are off kilter.

In fear of fun I write
To make people aware
Of what goes on with us
Because I know they care.
I try to create understanding
Where there is confusion
I try to describe our reality
So there is no illusion.

Anxiety, vertigo
Neurological fray
Sensory overload, weakness
An unsteady gait.
Overtired, overwhelmed
Scared to fall
Thank you for understanding
When we fear it all.

Yes, we want to have fun
And join the group
Or the event or get together
We really do.
We are not anti-social
Or unfriendly or a bore
We fear the fun
For what Borrelia has in store.

For when the balance is tipped
And defenses are down
There is no other sheriff
Than Borrelia in town.
Help me stay calm
Help me walk and stand
Help me let the feelings pass
And always, always take my hand.